The Beanstalk

What?

by David N. Townsend

Elsewhen

December 23, 1999

 

The Knowledge

In my household, I am the only one in possession of the Secret Knowledge:
How to Unclog the Toilet.

I'm not making fun of anyone, here.  I fully acknowledge the severe limitations of my own cognitive functions.  The other day I noticed a nice print on the wall in the upstairs hallway, and I commented to my wife that I liked her choice to hang it there.   She politely informed me that the picture's been in the same place for more than two years.

So I don't have much of a memory and my eye for decor is rather impaired, and even my kids urgently suggest that we should call Uncle Terry when something around the house breaks.  But I do have the Secret Knowledge.  And I'm not about to reveal it, either.  It's one of those special abilities that confirms my valuable place in the family, puts me in a position of power and respect.  Let's face it, you can live with a broken dishwasher or a burnt-out lightbulb.  But a clogged toilet very quickly becomes a life or death situation.

(Another linguistic aside, here: don't you find writers who use the phrase "Let's face it" really annoying?  First of all, they're assuming that, whatever the vital topic under discussion, both you their readers as well as themselves have not previously been willing to "face" the reality that they are about to disclose.   Sometimes they make really patronizing observations, such as "Let's face it, we all eat like pigs during the holidays," or "Let's face it, everybody cheats on their taxes."  Hey, speak for yourself, loser.  Other times, the writer tries to give the impression that he's the first one to confront the psychological suppression of an important revelation, which he is generously sharing with readers: "Let's face it, sex and violence win out over romance most of the time."   Yeah?  Why don't you face this, buddy?)

Anyway, what I really wanted to talk about is Education.  We in Massachusetts have just been treated to the ominous results of the experimental MCAS (Mass Conspiracy to Alienate Students) Test, administered to 4th, 8th, and 10th graders.  Although scores have improved since last year's inaugural test, still a large percentage of the state's students were judged to be "Failing" several subjects, and only a tiny few were evaluated as "Advanced".  Particularly noteworthy is the fact that virtually no 4th graders in the entire state scored Advanced on the English test.  A review of the standards for this exam suggest some reasons.

A typical example requires the student to read a passage, then respond to several questions with written answers.  The passage might concern a story about settlers in the pioneer days, and one question might be, "Why did John Brown decide to move his family out West?"  According to the guidelines for grading student answers, the following general standards should be applied:

Failure:  If the student evidently didn't understand the question, or gave an incoherent answer:

to wach more Lakers games,  or

my bum hurts.

Needs improvement:  If the response shows evidence of understanding, but leaves a lot to be desired in terms of either writing ability or comprehension:

he dint like livin in the est

Proficient:  This score, which was basically the highest that any 4th grader was given, applies if the student answered the question correctly, with mostly proper grammar and spelling:

John Brown moved his family West to start a new life, and to search for gold.

Now you might ask, what's missing from this answer?  Assuming the facts are correct, wouldn't this be all the response you could expect from anyone, especially a 4th grader?  Well, apparently there is the theoretical prospect that, one day in the future, we will see some students achieve a higher level of performance:

Advanced:  A 4th grader is to be given this mark if his or her response provides a creative restating of the question, perfect information and grammar, and some other literary expertise:

As the winds of fortune seemed to blow relentlessly toward the West, John Brown at last knew that, if he were to escape the dreary existence of his forbears, he must uproot his family from Pennsylvania and secure passage for them to a bold new destiny in the untamed wilds of the Western territories.  And, I have great discomfort in my buttocks.

Does it really serve any purpose for the educational elite to set standards that are so high that no student achieves them?  Some pundits claim that our entire educational system has deteriorated to the point where we are graduating illiterates, and we need to raise the bar to a more "competitive" level.  Well, of course students should be able to read, but what are the careers lying ahead for the majority of students today?  How important will it be for your average FedEx truck driver or AT&T Directory Assistance operator to be able to quote Shakespeare or derive quadratic equations?

Well, far be it from me to denigrate attempts to promote excellence in learning, or to diminish the need to improve students' reading, writing, mathematics, and cultural knowledge and skills.  But at the same time, don't you think there is a basic gap in our typical public school educational curriculum, if all we focus on are the traditional 3-Rs and the quaint mythologies of American History?  Shouldn't we also be teaching somewhat more practical, real-life knowledge, and testing that as a criterion for graduation?  To put it in perspective, which is more important for the average citizen to know: the names of the Pilgrims on the Mayflower, or how to unclog a toilet?

Therefore, as my latest contribution (click here for my previous attempt) to the revamping of the American education system, I would propose the following additions to the basic secondary school curriculum, to be tested by a standardized graduation exam, including written questions and practical skills demonstration:

  1. Checkbook balancing
  2. Flat tire changing
  3. Vacuum cleaner bag replacement
  4. How to Hang Up on Telemarketers in One Easy Lesson (women only)
  5. Clothing Color Coordination Certification Class (men only)
  6. VCR programming (optional advanced course)
  7. Toilet unclogging (graduate degree level only)

DT

   
Recent ramblings:             
 Today

The Top 100 Everything of the 20th Century (Pt.3) (9/22/99) The Top 100 Everything of the 20th Century (Pt.4) (10/22/99) The Top 100 Everything of the 20th Century (Pt.5) (11/29/99)
Well, the responses have started pouring in, from all corners and crevices, and well over 1% of them have been favorable... Milking this thing as far as I can, we today encounter the fourth, but alas not last, installment of this momentous List.  Attribute the recent delays in its publication to the various lawsuits being contested over the rankings. You've waited, you've anticipated, you've longed and pined, and now at last it's here: the top of the top, the cream of the crop.

(Click Elsewhen for the complete list)

 © 1999 David N. Townsend


The Beanstalk grows out of my head, so to speak, but I welcome
any seeds that readers may wish to plant.  Just as long as you don't use
too much fertilizer.  Send me your comments, ideas, drool, at 
DNT@DNTownsend.com
and I'll occasionally respond to, publish, or otherwise dispose of them.

Need more?  In addition to the rich and growing archives of this column,
you might want to visit The Site itself, and any of my other collections, on
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DNT