January 3, 2000
M2+3
How did you celebrate the arrival of the New Millennium, or whatever it was? I hope with happiness and good cheer among friends, either out among the revelers or in peace with home and hearth.
I had a fully gratifying time, watching my computer safely click over to the Year 2000, and following the revelers from around the world, in the company of family and friends. As someone pointed out, this event was TV at its best, since it allowed us all to share in the ceremonies and performances of an entire world, one time zone at a time. (One more good reason that Television was named Number One Thing of the 20th Century.)
In case you were too caught up enjoying yourself, or contemplating imponderable significances, I am proud to report that I have undertaken a service on behalf of my Beanstalk readers, and all posterity. Shortly before midnight, EST, I conducted a quick survey of the State of TV, New Millennium's Eve. This, then, is what was happening across the dial, approximately 11:15 to 11:30 PM, December 31, 1999:
PBS. A live singing performance from Venezuela, home of last week's devastating mudslides.
CBS. New York, Times Square, a rap singer: "Check it out, man. No doubt, man."
ABC. Local commentator: "How long does it take to say, 'Everything's working fine, thank you.'?"
WB. A "Friends" epsode. A man opens a door to a woman, who breathlessly says, "I forgot my... purse."
NBC is in a commercial from its Millennium coverage: "...with 0.9 APR financing..."
WSBK-TV. A long standing tradition for this station: and New Year's Three Stooges marathon: "Oh, Bright-O is marvelous -- it'll take it off in a jiffy!"
Fox. Sexy commercial of invisible people removing their clothes to the tune of Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On."
WABU-TV is showing an old movie, "Charade," with Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn.
WGBX-TV, also a public TV station, has a last minute Financial Report for nervous investors: "Longview Fibre was the biggest percentage loser on the Big Board..."
WUNI-TV, a Spanish language channel, is broadcasting its own Nuevo Milenio coverage.
WNDS-TV, an especially wimpy independent station, has assumed that there are a handful of ultimate shut-ins who prefer to watch another installment of "Wheel of Fortune" at this moment of history.
Home Shopping Network. Yes, it gets worse. HSN is holding its "Millennium Countdown Jewelry Bash, on which you can buy an 18K Gold ring exactly at midnight for only $99.00.
Shop at Home Network, likewise, is offering Electronics 2000, for all those eager to purchase a new camcorder before the new era dawns.
American Movie Classics has a good choice, although we hope not a prophetic one: "A Shot in the Dark," starring Peter Sellers' Inspector Clouseau at a nudist camp.
The Discovery Channel, apparently sensing there is nothing worth discovering about the Millennium, is instead airing "The New Detectives," a program describing how "Insects help pinpoint the time of death."
TBS also ignored the moment, in favor of the legions of Andy Griffith fans, eager to see "Andy and Opie keep house while Aunt Bee is away."
The Family Channel. Pat Robertson is weighing in on Religion in the New Millennium (Isn't Christ supposed to be returning in a few minutes?): "...may hold some dire consequences for the future..."
Nickelodeon. "Kablum": a plastic toy bashes a bunch of other toys off a shelf and into a trash barrel. Hmm.
A&E. "Biography of the Millennium": The 100 most influential people of the past 1000 years. At the moment: Karl Marx.
The Weather Channel. A woman dressed in a black evening gown and pearls is telling us about gusty winds in Montana.
Lifetime, the women's channel, is showing a movie entitled, "Her Final Fury" as the Millennium approaches. Double Hmm.
Comedy Central has "South Park," in which Cartmanis excited to be "mature," because he thinks he has gotten his period.
ESPN is, naturally, showing college football, the Independence Bowl from Shreveport, LA.
CNBC is offering mountain climbing on "National Geographic Explorer".
TNT has a movie called "Maximum Overdrive," about demonized trucks chasing after Emilio Estevez.
USA is providing highlights of recent World Wrestling Federation matches, including Vince McMahon getting slammed into a table.
CNN Headline News: "A deal was reached with the hijackers, 8 days after they took control of the jetliner..."
CNN (regular) has live Millennium Coverage: "...international airports, which authorities says are free of the Y2K bug..."
MTV is live in Times Square, with a punked out hostess screaming, "I'm the Priestess , baby! We should have a Times Square confessional tonight!"
BET is featuring an unidentified Concert, and at the moment has a commercial for Tums.
QVC wins the award for the most obnoxious shopping channel. It has John Tesh pushing a scheme to have your name carved on a Millennium Wall, which will forever greet the sunrise on a beach in the South Pacific, for only 30 bucks.
EWTN, a religious channel, gives us not the Apocalypse, but a documentary about the Basilica of St. Mary Major.
The Value Channel is selling a gold coin for only $999.99.
Bravo has a film about the Cirque du Soleil. The current commercial notes that "The beauty of a grandfather clock is, well, timeless."
C-SPAN: Energy Secretary Bill Richardson announces: "There does not appear to be any bad news, so far."
E-TV: A young woman in her underwear is sitting on Howard Stern's lap.
Court TV: "...Each member of a conspiracy is criminally responsible for the crimes committed by his co-conspirators..."
The Food Network reveals "Legendary Hangouts in New York".
The Nashville Network is entertaining its devotees with "Motor Madness," featuring the incomparable Tom Meents and his giant-wheeled truck, Bulldozer: "Right now, Bulldozer's got both hands wrapped around that shaft; he's not gonna let it go!"
VH-1's "Behind the Music" program is documenting the zany popularity of the "Rocky Horror Picture Show". A lawyer derssed in drag and several women in underwear are shown attending the film.
Cartoon Network, appropriately, is running episodes of "The Jetsons".
MSNBC has Millennium coverage, and a commercial for pain relievers.
Fox News is reporting from Times Square, also on commercial break, selling a '50s rock 'n' roll collection.
Animal Planet has determined that a program about crocodiles and snakes makes the most sense at this hour.
Home and Garden TV provides a peek at "Kitchens and Baths '99".
The Sci Fi Channel, ever ironic, has a classic "Twilight Zone" episode: "To Serve Man". A huge-skulled alien is currently being examined by a doctor. (Hint, we'll later learn that the aliens intend to "serve" Man to each other on a platter...)
The Travel Channel's "Lonely Planet" show is in Pompeii right now -- not sure what significance they're intending there.
The Preview Channel is at this moment boasting that "Adult Entertainment, right in your own home, is easy, convenient, and private."
HBO, the very next channel up the dial, is showing "There's Something About Mary," and we conveniently arrive when Chris Eliot is giving advice to Ben Stiller: "So just go clean the pipes and we can go... you know, choke the chicken..."
HBO Plus is featuring the comedian D.L. Hughley: "...Where your man at? He ain't got no job...."
HBO Family is showing a movie entitled "Something Wicked This Way Comes". For the kiddies, you know.
Disney, on the other hand, has a "Zoogin' New Yearz Eve Party," whatever that is.
ESPN2 is re-running it Top 50 Athletes climactic program, in which Michael Jordan beat out Babe Ruth at Numero Uno for the Century. (Not on My List.)
The Encore Network's movie at the moment is, believe it or not, "When Time Ran Out," starring Paul Newman.
The International Channel is currently running an advertisement for a hair-removal product, which involves attaching an adhesive strip to your leg or underarm, then ripping it off, taking the hair with it. I kid you not. And this is a sponsor for a Chinese news report. Huh?
TV Land's present re-run is a "Sanford and Son" episode. Fred and Lamont are yelling at each other, apparently because Fred (the old guy) is now dating Lamont's ex-girlfriend. Note that, in honor of the moment, the episode's title is "The Infernal Triangle".
Turner Classic Movies, by contrast, is airing "Viva Las Vegas," with Elvis Presley driving a race car through the Nevada desert.
The Learning Channel: "Prophecy: The Millennium". (That's right, a thousand years ago, somebody predicted there would be a Millennium this year.)
Finally, back at PBS, we are privileged to witness the first sunrise of 2000 in Jordan and Israel, with a baptismal ceremony in the Jordan desert, and a music and dance performance at the Dead Sea.
-----------------------------------
There, aren't you glad that someone like me made the effort to record these vital cultural indicators at this moment in history? This is why I'm here, folks.
And now, at the end of it all, with all the parties and celebrations over, the Y2K and Armageddon hysteria laughingly dismissed, the retrospectives and analyses and commentary mercifully concluded, and the prophecies and forecasts finally behind us, with the hoopla and hype, the commercialism and solemnity, the excitement and trepidation, all brought to their fitting and fulfilling climax . . . I have only one remaining question:
So what the hell do we do now?
DT
Recent ramblings: Today
The Top 100 Everything of the 20th Century (Pt.4) (10/22/99) The Top 100 Everything of the 20th Century (Pt.5) (11/29/99) The Knowledge (12/23/99) Milking this thing as far as I can, we today encounter the fourth, but alas not last, installment of this momentous List. You've waited, you've anticipated, you've longed and pined, and now at last it's here: the top of the top, the cream of the crop. In my household, I am the only one in possession of the Secret Knowledge: How to Unclog the Toilet.
(Click Elsewhen for the complete list)
© 2000 David N. Townsend
The Beanstalk grows out of my head, so to speak, but I welcome
any seeds that readers may wish to plant. Just as long as you don't use
too much fertilizer. Send me your comments, ideas, drool, at
DNT@DNTownsend.com
and I'll occasionally respond to, publish, or otherwise dispose of them.Need more? In addition to the rich and growing archives of this column,
you might want to visit The Site itself, and any of my other collections, on
Communication, Baseball, Rock 'n' Roll, or Travel.
DNT