The Beanstalk, by David N. Townsend, 1/23/00

Republican Cock Fights

As promised, for those anxious Iowa Caucus-goers waiting for insights on how to vote, and for the rest of you cheering on the sidelines, today we present a comprehensive guide to the Republican Presidential candidates.

(Since there aren't any Democrats in Iowa, we can postpone them to next week, when the 17 New Hampshire Democrats may be seeking guidance.)

What we have in the Republican Party field this year is a scramble to attain the noble mantle of heir apparent to Bob Dole, the last Republican nominee. Mr. Dole, you will recall, was trounced so badly by Bill Clinton in the 1996 Presidential election that he lost the ability to perform sexually, and thereafter became a poster boy for Viagra. His poor, suffering wife Elizabeth briefly toyed with the idea of running for President herself, if only to gain better insight into her husband's depleted condition. But apparently the drug kicked in pretty effectively for old Bob, and the newly satisfied Libby happily became the first to pull out. Of the race, I mean.

So the contest is left to a thrilling mix of relative newcomers to Presidential politics. Before reviewing their resume's, however, let's examine the key Issues of the campaign from the Republican perspective:

Taxes. The fundamental question, as always for Republicans: who will cut taxes the most, and who is really, truly a bonafide tax hater? The one-upmanship is getting a little out of hand. First there was the Bush "Really Big Tax Cut", then the McCain "Oh yeah? How about This Tax Cut?", followed by the Hatch "I Got Yer Tax Cut Right Here". But they were all swamped by Forbes, who came out with his revolutionary "Super Ultra Mega Tax Cut," which dictated that all taxes would be cut by 110%, meaning that the government would pay each citizen just for existing. (The similarity to welfare was lost in the euphoria of the debate.)

Abortion. Again a core issue of all Republican campaigns, the fight is not over whether abortion should possibly be made illegal, as this position is a pre-requisite to membership in the Party. Rather, the debate is again over who is more anti-abortion, and how they'd prove it. Bush and McCain tend to waffle about allowing some abortions to save the life of the mother, or wimpy notions like that. The true hard core believers, like Bauer and Keyes, advocate a policy of "Screw the Mother, Save the Fetus". Bauer may be the most extreme; he has apparently advocated going around and just killing pregnant women and removing the babies "to make sure they don't even have a chance to try for an abortion".

The Soviet Union. The Republicans have been very sad about the demise of the USSR, as it always gave them such an easy issue in the past to scare the voters and bash the Peacenik Democrats. They have therefore taken to advocating a re-uniting of the Soviet bloc, and resumption of the arms race. This is one of the issues that they only talk about to dedicated Republican audiences, explaining it's the only hope for the Party, since on all other issues they've discovered that the overwhelming majority of Americans flatly disagree with them.

That's really about it. The Republicans try not to get bogged down in such Democratic issues as Health Care and Race Relations (see next week). If pesky reporters raise questions in these controversial areas, the Republicans are programmed to respond with standard one-liners about "getting the government off people's backs".

Now, on to the candidates. Remember that in the wake of 8 years of Bill Clinton, the country is looking for New Leadership, Integrity, and Morality in its President, that Character counts this year. So you should consider casting your vote for the candidate whose background and qualifications make him stand out as the Least Likely Total Embarrassment.

George W. Bush. His daddy was President. His granddaddy was a congressman. On the strength of these impeccable credentials he got elected Governor of Texas, and the state has not been recaptured by Mexico during his tenure, so he figured he's ready to be President. Used family money to acquire ownership of Texas Rangers, which have never won anything and have been humiliated by the Yankees year in and year out. If possible, is even more boring than his father.

John McCain. Principal qualification is that he spent 9 years in a North Vietnamese prison camp. Sitting locked in a 10-foot cell for months on end with nothing to do, and no contact with the outside world: this experience should serve as excellent preparation for occupying the White House. According to the media fawning over him, he's a "straight shooter", which essentially means that he regularly loses money to them in the campaign bus poker games. Believes in campaign finance reform, to keep the "special interests" (you know, like people who have jobs) from controlling elections. Rumored to have an explosive temper; all America is praying that he'll blow up during one of the debates and cold cock Orin Hatch.

Steve Forbes. Principal qualification is that he's filthy rich, with money that he, too, inherited from his daddy. Runs a magazine for other rich people, editing cutting-edge articles like "How to squeeze even more work out of your employees while reducing their health benefits," and "Should we consider using welfare recipients as an alternative fuel source?" Believes in a "flat tax", which means that the wealthy would pay no more tax than the "flat" broke. His main drawback may be a lack of foreign policy experience, but he vigorously rejects this accusation, claiming that he's spent countless days in key foreign locales such as the Riviera, Barbados, and Hawaii.

Orin Hatch. Key qualification is that he's named after one of the dwarves from The Hobbit. For the last 20-odd years, he's been a Senator from Utah, a position to which he keeps getting re-elected because no one else in the state realizes or cares that there is such a thing as the U.S. Senate. "Sure, vote for him," his neighbors say. "It gets him out of town, don't it?" Believes in . . . um, all that Conservative stuff. Has an angry scowl permanently embossed on his face.

Alan Keyes. Principal qualifying characteristic is that he is an African American Republican, and thus also an oxymoron, emphasis on the ox. In his real job, he is a radio talk-show host. I thought there was something in the Constitution that disqualified all Radio Talk-Showe Hosts from running for public office, but I may be mistaken. Invariably when voters hear his speeches or debate contributions, they are favorably impressed with Keyes's intelligence and ideas, but his poll numbers remain infinitesimal. When asked by pollsters why they rank his performance high, but won't consider voting for him, Republicans invariably respond, in a low voice, "Don't be ridiculous. After all, the man is a negro."

Gary Bauer. This year's token representative of the Religious Right (which, as they used to say so eloquently about the Moral Majority, is neither). Wants to allow prayer in schools, ban the teaching of evolution, convert the brown babies to Christianity, and of course undertake the aforementioned pogrom against would-be abortion-getters. Believes in God much more than any other candidate. Looks like an alien from Mars. (I have to give credit to Don Imus here, who had the best line of the year when he called Bauer "that bugged-eyed goober".) An all-around wonderful representative of the spiritual side of America.

I sincerely hope that this clears matters up for all you wavering Republicans. No cheating, now. No writing-in Ronald Reagan's name (not that the Alzheimer's would make a noticeable difference). And if you're pining for the days of Abe Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt, well... aren't we all?

Recent ramblings: Today

The Knowledge (12/23/99)	M2+3 (1/3/00)	Primary and Caucus (1/16/00)
In my household, I am the only one in possession of the Secret Knowledge: How to Unclog the Toilet.	How did you celebrate the arrival of the New Millennium, or whatever it was?	I have some encouraging news to report: Guess what? They've decided to schedule a Presidential Election this year!

	The Beanstalk
What?	by David N. Townsend	Elsewhen

The Beanstalk

by David N. Townsend

January 23, 2000

Republican Cock Fights